Monthly Archives: February 2017

Distraction

At many points in my life, I have found myself distracted from what I wanted to do. Those distractions have come accidentally and intentionally.

My writing goals have not been getting filled. Some of that has been my workload mixed with my struggle to find creativity before 2300 hours. The rest of it has been the fact that I have been stuck in a waiting pattern.

On Friday, the memo came out that would move my co-worker and I out of our positions. It did not have our names on the list and we breathed a small sigh of relief. It was not a huge sigh. Our position is no longer secure. We can no longer assume that they see the value in what we do. We can drown to the magic of moving numbers to fit goals that have nothing to do with silly things like work.

It is very frustrating.

Since learning about the potential change in status a month ago, it has been hard to focus. The knowledge that I might lose what I worked hard for, gnaws at me. I find myself demoralized and demotivated at the heavy workload deemed ‘not as much’. I do not feel lazy. I have more overtime in the last year then I have ever had before. All of it from necessity.

It left me sitting for a month, sighing. Would I go back to midnights? Would I have to go back to waking up at five in the morning and feel as if my life was slipping away in an exhausted fog? I had enjoyed the last year of work. I was close to reaching a major life point with paying off my bills. What did all of it mean, now? It had taken so much courage to try for the position that I am now in.

It boils down to courage, or more accurately, self confidence. My struggle with it stops me from believing that I can just apply for a position and get it. Instead, I examine it, look at all of its angles and debate my abilities against it. I don’t care for failure. I do not mind failing but I do not court it. It is an abnormal feeling in my career. Most want you to just try for it and see if you make it or not. But I do not care for jumping into the abyss nor do I have the confidence to believe that I will land unharmed.

It leaves behind focus. Focus so that I have more control over my future. For, I have no control now. Not outside of the basics such as going to work vs skipping and being fired. I find that I dislike it.

Civilization VI

I waited months to buy Civ 6. I picked it up during a Christmas sale when it was about half price. I loved Civilization 5 and 6 was just waiting for me.

Well, Civilization is truly a horrible game when it comes to eating time. How a game that involves actions and rounds can eat through time like it does, I am not sure. But there I was, trapped in my game, learning how to play. My evenings and days off started to vanish. I’d click round after round and suddenly it would be bed time and my empire was struggling with its amenity needs. Perhaps taking over Spain in the first twenty rounds had put to much stress on me but I was launching the mars mission. I was close!

I lost way to much time in the last few weeks. My game started to go well. Brazil got uppity and they were winning the culture war. Were. After I took over all of their major cities they backed down. The Congo kept asking me to give them my Levi Jeans and cash for toys. I just took over the Congo as well. He kept declaring war on me for not spreading my religion and then wouldn’t stop, leaving me under war for hundreds of years.

But the night before last, America launched its last Mars unit and won.

Now I can go back to being productive.