I’ve wanted to write for a very long time. I wrote stumbling, science fiction stories as a teenager. Simple things with little plot and no depth of character. While my ideas are often creative, where I have most struggled is my understanding of people.
Since my acquisition of Intuition, I returned, somewhat, to the world of dog forums. I had quit forums around 2010 when my father died. I had a bit of a shift of mind and many things changed. I dropped out of the dog world. I stopped using social media. I spent some time figuring out who I was.
In a way, I’ve resurfaced in the last few months and my interaction with the dog world has reminded me of why I left. Many of the people are crazy and everyone is always perfect and right. But, that does not exist only for the dog world. I’ve spent my time browsing comment sections on websites and found myself fascinated at the venom, hate, and viciousness displayed there. An article about a rare plant can come with someone ranting about the president of the state. A person sharing a personal discovery is ridiculed and belittled for their looks.
The world is mean but the internet is mean for the sake of it. I find myself fascinated by that even as I have spent the last two years brushing my shoulders against it. Yet, I never learn. A casual post about my puppy finds people scolding me for things I am not even doing. I’ve found that my viewpoints about dogs have become archaic in this world where we always put our best face forward. And, I’ve never been fashion conscious so that won’t ever improve enough to make people happy with me.
But, what is making them happy? Over the last three months enough events have happened for me to ponder myself. I’ve pushed myself so far out of my comfort zone that I have to evaluate the changes in my personality. I am making a step that often leaves me struggling with personal insecurity and the constant, nagging knowledge that I will have to deal with the force and presence of the anonymous internet’s opinions.
I’m not of fragile personality but I am of low confidence. In my heart of hearts I’ve always wanted to excel at things. I want to look at myself and find myself to be amazing. Normally, I find myself not up to snuff. There is so much more that I could have done or should have done. I can never hear the words of others unless they are negative.
Yet, recently, I’ve not cared so much about the nastiness of the internet. It seems that some of my self concern has finally, late in the thirty sixth year of my life, burned down to nothing. I find myself shaking my head and a bit amused at how people clutch their opinion and only their opinion.
And then, I met a character in a book. A fantasy book and one written for young adults at that. Yet, as I read a story I hadn’t expected to enjoy, I found myself very much liking the character. Without having an attitude or being rebellious, she didn’t care about the opinions of people around her. She had tasks to do and clear goals she tried to reach. Insults, belittlement, she often patted the person on the cheek while telling them that they were quite scary and go along and do what needed to be done. While, the world the book is in is perfect, there was something about how this character reacted to the negative opinions in her environment that struck me.
Maybe, I don’t care anymore. I’ve spent most of my adult life figuring myself out. As much as I long for acceptance I’ve been calm without it. I don’t go to the hair salon because I am tired of bad experiences with shallow people. Not everyone who works in the beauty industry is that way. Sadly, I’ve met to many of them and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t follow fashion. I feel as if i am the only one who believes that pants are a good thing. I wear blue nail polish and only blue nail polish simply because it is pretty and calming.
And maybe, somewhere in the last few months, I have started to learn how not to care so much about things that have no meaning.
Better late then never.